Despite the mass suffering COVID-19 has inflicted upon the United States, one good thing it has done is proven that, like America’s Greatest Generation before us who selflessly sacrificed everything to ensure a mostly Nazi-free future without evil and tyranny, so too can our generation step up to overcome a great challenge by bitching about wearing masks, watching a lot of Netflix, and increasing our intake of delivered preprepared meals. The sacrifices we have all made should be applauded and I think we all deserve, from a safe distance and with the aid of very long poles with gloves taped to the ends, pats on the back. Which reminds me, check back soon to get a great deal a quality Back Patting Pole!*
However, thanks to the miracle of modern science, the COVID scourge will soon be wiped from existence. Whether through the creation of a new vaccine or through “herd immunity”, COVID will no longer be an issue. This troubles me, because I fear that without the occasionally fatal but mostly just annoying COVID plague unifying us, we’ll no longer have a shared struggle holding us all together like big gobs of sputum. Therefore, I would like to propose that we get a head start on finding a new existential threat to the quality of human life to fight against. Below are a few options we might consider…
Ridding the World of Flat Head Screws
I’m not sure how many politicians the Flat Head Screw Lobby has in their pocket but I can’t think of any other reason why flat head screws still exist other than major corruption in the highest echelons of government. This must stop. Just recently I had to remove and dismantle several curtain rods that had apparently been installed by flat head screw enthusiasts. It took me roughly 5 minutes per screw to take these things apart because my flat head screwdriver kept slipping out of the flat head screws. In retrospect, I should have just burned the house down. If I could get my hands on whomever is keeping the flat head screw industry alive I’d beat them to death with my Back Patting Pole.
Eradicating Parking Lot Zombies
Another affront to human existence we might work toward eliminating is whatever mind corrupting pathogen it is that causes people to walk directly down the middle of parking lot aisles. I suspect it’s the same neuron devouring pestilence that also causes entire families to walk down supermarket shopping aisles shoulder-to-shoulder so that they create an impenetrable, oblivious wall of shared sub-par DNA that you have to navigate around by taking a completely different aisle – sometimes traveling many aisles away and passing through the feminine hygiene area – just to circle back around to the original aisle from the other side so you can grab a can of Vienna sausages.
Small Dogs that Constantly Bark at Air Molecules
I’ll gladly take the lead on this initiative by launching our small dog Shay-Shay from a circus canon directly out over the ocean. I love the little dog, but she is obsessed with barking at nothing the moment she goes outside. I’ve tried many times to figure out what she’s barking at. I’ve gotten down at her eye-level to see what’s in her line of site and there is always nothing. Sure, maybe there’s a fence or a tree or a rock, but never anything interesting or threatening. I’ve figured out that she must have a deep hatred of air itself. Of course, this does imply that she possesses some form of super sight allowing her to actually see air. Science could learn a lot from this remarkable adaptation, perhaps even learning through its study how to cure various forms of blindness. But science be damned! I just want her to shut the hell up, so off to the circus canon store I go.
I hope with these three suggestions we can get to work on solving more of the important issues plaguing humanity the same way we’ve kinda sorta managed to deal with COVID. Bear in mind that I presented these in no particular order, but if I had to prioritize one over the other I’d start with getting rid of small dogs that constantly bark at air molecules because Shay-Shay is currently outside screeching and it’s driving me nuts. She better not make me get my Back Patting Pole!
*$19.95 plus shipping. Glove NOT included.