Big box retail chain Glutmart announced today via company-wide memo that they will be automating bullshit demands on staff with the help of a fleet of high-tech robots.
Through hours of rigorous machine learning, these robots have fine-tuned their AI’s sensors and grommets to perform dumbass customer behavior almost as well as normal human dumbass customers.
Furthermore, the robots are expected to actually exceed human customer behavior within 15 years.
“We’re hoping these robots will continue to self-improve so that they will not only be able to bear the weight of upwards of 40,000 coupons during checkout but also write out paper checks slower than any known human,” boasted Dr. Thad Gristmill. “Long after checks have been fully phased out of modern commerce, these robots will continue writing checks very slowly. It’s pretty exciting.”
But the wondrous advancements don’t end there. In addition to being an absolute pain in the ass during checkout, the robot customers have also been fitted with an apparatus called the Spill-Matic 4000 which is capable of spilling all manner of nearly impossible to clean up liquids onto linoleum flooring, such as baking grease, dish soap, and 40W motor oil (currently 25% off!)
Furthermore, the robots can not only produce and emit 700 pieces of chewed gum per hour onto product shelves, but they can also leave dirty diapers virtually anywhere within a store’s footprint (including the produce bin), stand motionless directly in front of the store’s entrance as if they suddenly have no idea where they are, block entire aisles with shopping carts, and ask employees where something is while actually staring directly at it.
One excited Glutmart employee had this to say about the robots: “You’ve gotta be f***ing kidding me.”
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