Random Acts of Literary Stupidity

Survivalist tip: Start wearing bolo ties to formal events. Sure, they look ridiculous, but if a surprise nuclear strike throws the world into an apocalyptic hellscape while you’re at a wedding you’ll at least have something to strangle to death any roving marauders trying to steal your cache of finger sandwiches with.

ME: I think we have a ghost in this house. I just heard a very loud fart sound out of nowhere.

WIFE: that was you.

The French have a term that describes, specifically, the phenomenon of two people coming together to commit horrible crimes: “folie a deux.” Long story short: do NOT visit France.

Lately I’ve been feeling like my personal fashion profile has been lacking, but I think I’ve found the solution: I need to start wearing a medallion. Nothing says “I mostly don’t care what you think about my fashion profile but I’d like you to know that I also posses a magical power bestowed upon me by a powerful wizard” like sandals, cargos shorts, t-shirt and a large golden medallion.

I just read that the Dutch government has made a record-breaking drug bust of 16,700 POUNDS of cocaine. Years of watching the show “Locked Up Abroad” has me wondering how one man was able to fit all of that up his butt.

Drove by the outdoor flea market in Belton, Texas today and there were actually some booths open. I can’t imagine sitting in a corrugated tin shack in 103 degree weather just to sell a couple of ninja stars and a cigarette lighter with a naked lady on it.

I’m going to be turning 49 years old in August and still not one single shadowy cabal of world-controlling elites have sent me a secret message to join them. I’m starting to think I’m going to have to start my own shadowy cabal. Anyone want in? I’ve already got the beginnings of a cool secret handshake and I do exert at least some controlling influence over four dogs. I bet we can scale this up quick!

If anybody wants in I’m filing a class action lawsuit against the Sour Cream & Onion potato chip industry. What their addictive product has done to my waistline is unacceptable. If they don’t want this to be tied up in the legal system for decades to come, I’m willing to settle for a lifetime supply of Sour Cream & Onion potato chips.

I’ve decided to adopt a new exclamation of excitement for when I hear any good news. A big thanks to The Oak Ridge Boys for “Oom-papa-mow-mow.” Usage example:
DOCTOR: The test results came back negative.

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