Fun Halloween Fact: Unlike in the United States where young trick-or-treaters will cause mischief by covering neighborhood homes and trees with toilet paper, in Europe young trick-or-treaters cause mischief by spraying homes and trees with bidets. This has resulted in very clean homes and very healthy trees, but an extreme water crisis in some areas. For example, by the end of the Halloween season the canals of Venice are virtually bone dry.
I just discovered that an entire stick of butter only has 810 calories, no carbs, and virtually no sodium. By only eating 2.5 sticks of butter you meet your recommended allotment of calories based on the United States Random Requirement Number Generator of 2,000 calories per day. The only drawback is that a stick of butter lacks protein which is, according to the marketing initiatives of every damn product advertised on TV these days including tires, the most important nutrient the human body needs. Based on these findings I’ve decided to start a new diet. Every day I will eat 2 sticks of butter and one entire raw bison pancreas. On my “cheat days” I may allow myself a 2nd pancreas.
Maybe it’s just typical midlife crisis stuff, but I’ve decided to get a pilot’s license. No idea whose pilot’s license I’m going to get or how I’m going to get it just yet, though. Pilots probably keep pretty good tabs on those. I’ll have to come up with a clever distraction.
I’ve come up with the most brilliant idea for a TV show that will really capture the attention of audiences everywhere. It involves time travel and mysticism and that very profitable nostalgia-factor. Here it is:
Uncle Jesse from the TV Show “Full House” is actually the grandson of Uncle Jesse from the TV show “The Dukes of Hazard”…and then things happen that involve time travel and mysticism. The writers will worry about all that when I sell this idea to Disney.
Whatever company installed our garage door opener back in the day must have been run by psychos. They put up a sticker telling us not to let children escape to freedom. Horrific!
Listening to the Chuck Berry song “Reelin’ and Rockin’” it occurred to me that I’ve reeled and I’ve rocked but I’ve never gone so far as to reel AND rock! I’m not sure if I have that in me. If you ever see me reelin’ and rockin’ at the same time keep your distance for your own safety. I’m clearly out of control.
Thanks to television advertising from Degree Antiperspirant I’ve been made aware of three dire problems that have, apparently, been plaguing society for years despite no one ever mentioning them before. I’m referring to, of course, the odor associated with groins, butts, and a mysterious hitherto never before discovered region: under-boob. Personally, I’m very glad these problems are finally being tackled by various major corporations’ divisions devoted to creating real solutions to fake problems despite never having personally encountered them. No, no! What I meant to say (please don’t void the check you’ve cut me Degree!) is that I cannot tell you how many times I’ve been stuck in an elevator with people absolutely reeking of groin, butt, or under-boob stink. Heck, I’ve been in used video game stores where the single bearded male clerk reeked of all three. I’d like to thank the scientists and marketing creatures at Degree Antiperspirant for finally solving these dire issues.
Featured image via Dreamstime.com
