It blows my mind to think that with how vast and old the universe is and how every possibility conceivable actually currently exists somewhere in the multiverse that there is a version of American Idol being judged by Yoko Ono, Tiny Tim, and Elmo.
Not sure if the book Thomas Jefferson on Wine by John Hailman is about Thomas Jefferson’s thoughts on wine, or Thomas Jefferson’s thoughts ON wine if you take my meaning…
TJ on Wine: “I do quite enjoy a nice pinot noir on occasion.”
TJ ON Wine: “Damn that Ben Franklin! If he flies that f**king kite over Monticello one more time I’m gonna shove that electrified key up his arse!”
I’m going to write an award-winning movie about a very vocal donkey with uncontrollable abdominal gas who leads Scotland to freedom against the English. It shall be called “Bray Fart”.
If you ever participate in a 5K Walk for the Homeless make sure you have plans for after. This way if someone asks you “What are you doing after this 5K Walk for the Homeless?” you can avoid the awkwardness that comes with answering “Eh, I’m just going home.”
Some of the documented activity from the Mombacho volcano in Nicaragua reminds me of myself after Taco Bell.
1988: Noisy gas emissions
1991: Continued gas emissions
1994: Venting from the south crater
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled. In other words they’re terrible.
I just learned that Costco sells coffins. I think anyone buying coffins in bulk needs to be looked into by the authorities.
I have come up with the most amazing movie crossover ever: “Everything, Everywhere, Every Which But Loose all at Once”…Clint Eastwood and his pet orangutan discover the secrets to inter-multiverse travel and have to transport a semi full of moonshine-soaked laundry from Louisiana to planet Zebulon 5 in the Outer Rim while being chased by ninjas. I smell several Oscars. Also, there’s a robot involved maybe.
I coined a new German word. Zoomennscheisse: The sudden very urgent need to poop that strikes you seconds before a Zoom meeting starts.
Featured image via Dreamstime Stock Photos
