When I met Jacobi Williams for our first interview he greeted me with a smile, a handshake, a pat on the back, a tip of the hat, and a brotherly grip on the shoulder all while playing his GameBoy and knitting. How, you ask, might this be possible? How can a man do so many things at once? I’ll let him explain in his own words.
JACOBI: I got me some tentacles!
ME: What’s it like having ten tentacles?
JACOBI: More gooder than having nine! Ha!
You see, Jacobi Williams isn’t a normal 37-year-old man. He’s an abnormal clone of a normal 37-year-old man named Dr. Kip Williams, lead cloning technician at GRIFT (the Genetics Research Institute of Frompville, Texas) a small cloning concern based out of the Frompville, Texas YMCA meeting room number 2A on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, unless one of those days is booked by the Shriners, who have priority thanks to the YMCA’s assistant manager being a member.
I asked Dr. Williams how such a strange cloning outcome as Jacobi’s tentacles could occur.
DR. WILLIAMS: Well, you see, it was during a routine cloning session here on a Monday, Wednesday, or Friday that I —
JACOBI: Him’s my papa!
DR. WILLIAMS: No, Jacobi, for the last time I am not your papa. As I was saying, it had started off as a routine cloning session with my plan being to clone a small octopus in the hopes that such an achievement could help my favorite Asian food buffet up the road keep up with demand. Their specialty is octopus, as I’ve mentioned.
ME: You haven’t mentioned that.
DR. WILLIAMS: Yes I have. Just now. Anyhow, moments before activating the cloning process I noticed that the machine needed a —
JACOBI: Look what I can do!
At this point, Jacobi started playing both of his butt cheeks like bongos. He only used his hands to do this, none of his many tentacles, so it’s unclear why I’m mentioning it here. I mean, even I can play my own butt cheeks like bongos.
However, what he did next simply stunned me.
JACOBI: Watch me now!
To my amazement, Jacobi then proceeded to fill out not only his and Dr. Williams’ tax returns but also those of the entire staff of the YMCA at the same time.
JACOBI: Ain’t it cool what I can do?!
DR. WILLIAMS: As I was saying — before Jacobi very rudely interrupted me by doing all of our taxes — while I was tuning the cloning machine to clone an octopus I accidentally sneezed my own DNA all over the cloning machine’s cloning laser, which it uses to clone stuff. The end result was this dimwitted, betentacled man you see before you, who now appears to be creating the entire cast of The Andy Griffith Show out of origami with our tax returns.
JACOBI: Look at Opie dance! He’s a deduction!
What is to become of this genetic anomaly named Jacobi Williams? What sort of future does such an accidental freak of scientific clumsiness have before it? Perhaps we shall never know, but one thing we can know and take comfort in is that it looks like I’m getting back around $750 on my taxes this year. Thank you, Jacobi. Thank you indeed.