BREAKING: “Golf Ball-Sized Hailstone” Officially Adopted as Scientific Unit of Measurement

An announcement by the Scientific Coalition on Universal Measurements (SCUM) to adopt “golf ball-sized hailstone” as an official scientific unit of measurement shook the scientific community to its core* today. I sat down with SCUM’s director, Dr. Winston Tugshaft, to learn more.

ME: Based on this new development, how large would you say this rock I found outside is?

DR. TUGSHAFT: Roughly the size of a golf ball-sized hailstone.

ME: Interesting. And what about this?

DR. TUGSHAFT: What is that?

ME: It’s a golf ball.

DR. TUGSHAFT: That appears to be about the size of a golf ball-sized hailstone, but more precise observations could tell us more.

As one might expect, the meteorology community couldn’t be happier. “We couldn’t be happier,” said Dr. Patricia Thirp, head of Marginal Accuracy at the Meteorology Institute of Lower Gruntsville, Texas. “We’ve been going on about golf ball-sized hail for decades. It’s nice to finally see the greater scientific community finally catch on.” When asked if she was surprised at the recent development she stated, “I figured there was a 30% chance of it happening today, with maybe a 20% chance of it happening tomorrow.”

Someone more cynical than myself might merely see this as SCUM’s attempt to keep up with NASA which recently declared “yay high” as its new official measurement of distance; however, in this reporter’s eyes I see only the ongoing and inspiring advancement of our scientific understanding of the universe at an ever-increasing rate**.

*A dense ball of molten pocket protectors roughly the size of 4 trillion golf ball-sized hailstones.

**Technically, 18 quadrillion blinks-of-an-eye per decade.